Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”