Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.