SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
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Me: Same.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
*gets down on one knee*
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
#StillHurts
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.