Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Whoa 😂
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.