I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
You Might Also Like
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.