I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
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The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this