OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
welp
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Great acting.. 😂
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow