Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.