My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I love twitter
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
bad news gang
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike