Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
You Might Also Like
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Bruh PLEASE
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.