me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
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Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.