Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.