ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.