Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?