Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
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me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
my first day as a raccoon
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
step 6: release the wall snake