falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???