Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
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me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.