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[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”