I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.