I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
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No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.