Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.