The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
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And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?