It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed