waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
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“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
listen closely
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!