Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768