Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it