I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
The Birdles
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
True freaking story!
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!