Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
You Might Also Like
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
That’s what I call a flat tire
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour