Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.