Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
They’re on their honeymoon
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?