Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
You Might Also Like
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.