My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
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i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one