My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
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If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Employees must applaud the planets.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?