i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
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signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.