[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My boss called in sick of me
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
January has been Januweary
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there