Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.