My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)