The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”