Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
catch me on valentine’s day like
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Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
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Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.