Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial