Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”