the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.