I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
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I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
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