Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
You Might Also Like
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
#milo
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!