Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
You Might Also Like
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
There’s never enough good news
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!