[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
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[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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