me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
You Might Also Like
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake