The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
kitchen magnet
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”