My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency