Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.