You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind